Guide to good kalaai: Part I

The following is for the sake of fun and fun alone. Not meant to spur anger and hatred.

To kalaasufy someone, you can either be gifted enough to weave a 'on the spot' irresistably funny comment, or get the usage and lingo of colleagues who are kalaaichufiers or you can do some homework, plan and use it nicely to make others laugh at someone who you do like but not at that instant.

Pick up and use phrases:

This varies from region to region, area to area, peta to peta, college to college etc. So use your discretion get the usage right and be kalaacifier. For starters try my area lingo and get a feel for it..

These phrases once learnt can haunt you for a month or so.. no matter what you do its going to still linger at the back of your mind. So be careful.

Machchaaaa Freeee daae....

PrimaryUsage : To irritate someone when he/she is dead serious about something like lack of time, 'lots of work' syndrome, simple Gaand state.. this is meant to increase the irritation levels
eg:
victim: machi, kaila kaase illa da.. seekiram kanakku poattu settle pannanum
irritator: Machchaaa Free dae...(macha with a stress in 'ch', better if told in a funny accent like how malloos who usually have rich parents in 'Gelf' who come to chennai for Ottomobile Ingineering, who wants to mingle but doesn't know the lingo but tries full heartedly.. by saying ........).

Secondary Usage: when running outta words in a silly argument.
irritator1: machi nee oru nalaaiku evalo dhadava coffee kudippa..
irritator1+: Machchaa freee daa...
(both laugh)

Andha maadhiri nee...

Primary Usage: when the victim is unawares of the fact that he is talking something good about himself/herself but is actually modest.. and you say this to make him realize the guilt or rather make him feel if theres none... and is best to follow it up by a suitable facial expression.. (note: this is always a good idea.. always remember a good picture is more than 1000 words worth!).

eg:
irritator: (this is called throwing the biscuit) dei OOPS project paththi enna ninaikura
victim: (this is called dog coming for biscuit) romba kashtam illa da.. naan idha UG laye panniruken
irritator: (this is called throw the stone at the dog)andha maadhiri nee....

Here comes an illustration of plan and attack technique.

The concept of 'Nila session':

The intimate talk on delicate issues like "ex girl friend talks", "life philosophy talks" etc...
People often do this on terrace tops on a nice clear sky night with cool breeze on their hair.
The sky's main attraction is a beautiful full moon(preferably or even a small crescent would do) and hence the nomenclature "nila session" or sometimes called "nila talk".(nila = moon in Tamil). Then this session is followed up by a kalaai session totally damaging the confidence of the 'feeler' in divulging secrets to the irritator henceforth.

When I say people, I mean those who usually cry and cherish for movies like K3G, KKHH,KANK and all those rubbish ones which has absolutely no art value, nor a feel good factor but often only potrays colorful bitchy bollywood buxom babes with gayish khans of the bollywood groping them with vigor and passion that even the most sex deprived wouldn't dream of doing or else make the audience cry by silly well founded age old sentiments. (sorry if you are offended, its your fate & sorry if I had digressed.. if you agree with me click this for more fun) and also the people who really are 'by birth' sentimental ones.

The irritator should be a good actor, so as to not to laugh or smirk when the 'feeler' talks his talk. Also the irritator should do 'throw the biscuit' act to invite the 'feeler' into more feelings mood. Also a good memory as to remember what exact words were used or what facial expression were used. A sense of creatvity to improvise while narrating.

Now when shall the 'wannabe' kalaai artist use this. Wait for the right occasion ideally a 'sarakku session' meaning a drinking night where people are really psyched up. Make sure the count is reasonable. Also look for catalysts(people who are often inept and doing kalaai but would laugh and aggravate the situation) and put your points and facial expressions to him.
Make sure the 'feeler' is there at the time of disclosure. Also avoid unwanted eye contact with the 'feeler' while narrating. Better if the 'feeler' is sportive. Use your creativity and you shall be a proud kalaichufier yourself.

More on these lines.. watch out this space in future.

(P.S.
Feel free to use your own accent, dialect and intonations in a way that best suits you.
The author is no way responsible for unhappy consequences.
The author is not against bollywood movies, does respect some good movies(which are notably less in count)
The author has used or modified the techniques of other co kalaai artists, which is a credit to that artist.
The author is a nice guy, who seldom does these nor does he have the intention of doing it in the future.. but has observed and might have done something like this in the past.
The author gracefully thanks the 'claremont tamilargaL' in chicago for their invaluable 'experiential based' teaching of such tecchniques.
The reader is most welcome to think whatever he/she wants about the author and I'm ready to accept any extreme comment. But please do comment.)